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from the runway 

I think of texting you,

landed in lisbon

but then I might crack

if you replied

how ru?

it would start a whole

long drawn out

text novella

and those are

the worst

because you love me

you’d ask for a reason 

but the reasons are vague

something about childhood 

and a grief that I learned 

before words

ancestral hurts 

floating and shifting 

like clouds but 

never really 

taking shape

my two daughters 

are dozing in seats 

beside me all 

my attempts at happiness 

a learned response 

just the same 

as the ache    

I can’t tell you 

the feeling

in a text or whatever 

of keeping it together 

on a plane about to de-board 

rims of my eyes as 

useless as sandbags 

trying to hold back 

hurricane waves 

a burn in my throat 

from swallowing 

years of hurt

I can’t text you

so I blow my nose loudly

people start to crowd 

the aisle already 

jostling for position 

I put myself between 

two men 

one spoke in spanish

dejar passar

a la madre

and i can’t

wait to see

you again